Because I am done with my finals...

As of 11:30 AM on December 22, 2011, I finally became a free (wo)man from my first semester back.
Of course, my final would be scheduled on the last day of final week,
so while everyone else left early or played after their finals, I joined their company with guilty conscience ... instead of studying (oops!)

Anyways, it is finally done.
Nothing hanging loose, some perhaps tied with stronger knots than others,
but life goes, and here I am with my 15-inch screen computer (oh, HOW I MISSED YOU!)

Lately I've been thinking how much I've become more aware of myself.
Growing up entails so much of learning about yourself; but it's really hard to not become self-centered in the process that you lose your surroundings or friends.
The more I become aware of who I am and my natural tendencies towards certain things, weaknesses and strong points,
I become more convinced that even though humans are very simple beings, we cannot simply be caterogically classified as one type.
and how difficult it is to be a well-rounded person; or even a meaning of a well-rounded personality.

One of the things that I noticed about myself, and maybe others as well, is how inexpressive we become as we grow up.
I babysit two children when I come home and they love to tell me about what they did or what their mother did during the day.
Some of the things they share with me are things that I felt like T.M.I., haha, but who doesn't love to hear about other people's lives? heh. x]
I think I learn to filther things out before I speak or share.
I learn what is appropriate to share and talk about in certain setting, with certain types of people, depending on the characteristics of occasions, and etc.
We become more innate rather than expressive at times? at least I see that a lot from myself.

I remember this quote from one of my all-time favorite classic cartoon, Red Haired Anne,
when she talks about how she doesn't chat as much as she used to after she grows up.
She said that we learn to keep "jewels" in our hearts instead of just spilling them out -not exact quote, but you get the idea.
It's a pretty romanticized idea, but definitely doesn't apply to all our cases when we decide not to speak or share.

It's ironic that I consider myself inexpressive when I also consider myself as a blunt/too honest person.
I know those two are paradoxical, but this is why I think we cannot be just categorized into one type of classification that we like to do sometimes.
We just love to generalize things; who likes to complicate things when this world is already complicated enough?

One of the "side effects" of my "silence" I noticed is that I forget my position/situation.
I just don't express it and it just sinks in so deep, that I forget about them.
I like to enjoy myself with little petty matters that I face like the "average" college students deal with while I'm in college, and forget about what going on at home.
When I got home, I realized college has been a means of escape from my home-reality.
Actually... I think I always knew it is, but I just didn't bother to acknowledge it to myself.
But then again, home is also my "shelter" on earth.

I know I'm not making sense right now, but trust me, I always confuse myself when I start thinking about things like this.
I really don't mean to complicate things; I think the answer is simple and things are not as complicated as I make them to be, but I just like to think things through "out loud" into some kind of tangible forms of communication.

All these doesn't matter, not so much to what we make them to be.
The more I think about it, more I remind myself that Christmas is in a couple of days.
Final exams really drifted me away from enjoying this time of advent and celebration for the day of Jesus Christ...
Listening to Christmas carol really didn't lift up the mood for me and I know it's probably because there's been just too many thoughts and prayers that just brought me down a bit,
but I think it's time for me to cheer up and set my eyes on the eternity again.

It's so difficult to have eyes of eternity.
For my Christmas gift, I would like to get a pair of glasses with eternity-perspective prescription on them.
Pretty please? :]

Merry Christmas!


PS HAHAHA I love how this post doesn't have a clear focus, but just flow... stream of consciousness? meh.
I'm not a good writer. That's been established fact long ago. WHEEEEE!

Mid-year Report 2011

It's already the end of June.
I just realized half of a year has already passed and thought about how much I've changed compared to the beginning of 2011.
Unfortunately I'm at a age when I won't experience any physical growth (Just 3 more inches?).
Oh well, I've come to just accept myself as a short-legged asian girl. Move on! xP
I know I've changed and (hopefully)grown spiritually and mentally...
It's definitely not something new, but I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to write a mid-year "report" evaluating about the past 6 months.

Lots of things happened in the last 6 months,
so this list mainly consists of what I remember and of what I've recently realized.
Few changes I noticed about myself recently:

1. I'm becoming girly?
My dad has been recently ACTIVELY expressing his concerns about my tomboy-personality.
My mom used to not care as much as my dad did, but now she sometimes joins in.
He's been always a protective father type, but since I turned 20's, he's been talking about how the guys that I meet will most likely think about marriage, and blah blah blah, and therefore, I should be an attractive woman for my future husband? (Huh? what?)
Anyways, I didn't notice it, but it seems my parents' occassional nagging is finally working in me.
I (secretly?) enjoyed looking at blogs about fashion before. I used to just look at coordinations of different designs and colors though.
I now notices coordinations of accessories, shoes, hairstyle too? LOL
I don't think I significantly changed from before and act girly like a typical preppy girl...
but I admit that I've definitely gotten more interested in girly things like cooking, fashion, and other girly things(?).
I feel silly writing this. I think I might delete this post after few days. LOL

2. I've gotten stupid.
Since I've been away from school for 6 months and haven't done much of academic works(oops...),
I feel like I act loopy all the time.
I used to be silly when I'm tired, but now I'm JUST SILLY all the time, especially around my brother.
My brother told me, "You are embarassing..." and "I really think your IQ went down."
and now he doesn't listen to my advice, because I'm no longer a reliable, "somewhat smarter than he is" sister.
I am now stupider than I was before.
I'm very sad. I will be back after I cry a little bit in the corner.

3. Giving myself a chance(s) to think about other possibilities?
This pertains to what I want to be in the future/what I want to major in.
Frankly I haven't made any decision or changes yet, but I did find new intersts: sunday school and health policy.
I haven't really felt a strong conviction in neither of them yet though,
but I'm definitely look at them with an open mind unlike treating them as unthinkable possibilites.

4. I sleep too much.
I used to go to bed around 3 AM. Now I get tired when it's after midnight.
Yes, things have changed. I took a nap today, so I think I can stay up a little longer.

5. I can't speak English.
I speak English with Korean accents, but apparently my accent is stronger now.
People can still understand me though. sigh.

6. Jesus is not a religion.
Christianity isn't a label.
Being a christian is being in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
That is all I am going to say about this in this post.

These are all I can think of at the moment.
Few things haven't changed though:
1. I still have a love-and-hate relationship with the humanity (LOL)
2. I still love my hoodies and sweatpants. It's getting hot though. I miss my colorful hoodies!
3. I still am a bad cook.
4. I still have short hair.
5. I still am very forgetful (actually possibly gotten worse!)