"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
Time flies.
White cherryblossoms on my street are blooming and in about a week or so, they will all turn into green.
Soon we will switch from heater to AC for our home and parents will sigh with relief about saving money from turnign off the heater.
This winter felt longer and colder than the other winters I've had.
Weather was gloomy and it snowed alot as well, but also a feeling of a bit of discomfort and of God's overwhelming Words and convictions may have made this winter slightly different from the ones I've had.
I've decided to give up facebook for Lent in order to focus on my relationship with God.
I actually have been lazy with facebook this year, but I knew it's one of the websites I probably waste my time the most for no reason...
I didn't come on my blog either, if I remember correctly.
Naturally my time on computer decreased and I definitely had more time for reading.
Start wasn't too good.
I had a hard time disciplining myself to sit down and read the Bible and a christian reading that I've started awhile back.
I knew I've been lazy with my personal reading lately and I need Him so much.
As I struggle to get back into my prayer life and regular reading, He was good to me as always and revealed so many parts of my heart that I need to work on.
The biggest thing is Love.
God's been revealing how much unloving person I am for quite awhile now...
and it's still something that I think I get it, but lose it in a day or so.
I moved a lot since I was young, and after meeting many different people and dealing interesting, if you will, situations,
I've learned that people comes and goes, and I eventually stopped really trying to open myself upto others.
I've had best friends, but I was usually a listener, not a talker.
I wasn't really a quite person, but I seldom talked about things that are deep inside of my heart with others.
I've been told that I'm sort of a happy-go-lucky person, and I agree with that too.
I don't like the awkwardness between people, so I tend to talk a lot sometimes to break the ice if I have to.
I'm sometimes very cut-throat about relationship with people too;
I draw a line about how deeply I'm going to be a friend I think I could be with a person after getting to know them a bit more.
I think I do this unconsciously after experience unpleasant troubles, trust issue, and betrayals by a few used-to-be best friends from the past.
That was all in Korea, so anyone who reads this... I'm not talking about you.
And after coming to US, my view on relationship with people got even more dull and insensitive?
Even after I become best friends with people, if situation arises, I think I can be very cold-hearted.
Since I know I will meet so many different kinds of people throughout my life, I've learned that there's no relationship that's everlasting here, so I think I lost my interest in making efforts into making connections or maybe attachments to people or the places.
My experience during the first year in US wasn't quite pleasant or exciting and I was 13 years old at the time.
Although I've anticiptated some common problems of immigration before I've made my decision to come to US, there were many things about America, people, and life that I wasn't quite ready for,
and it hit me a bit harder than I could take,
so as my unconscious defense mechanism, I've created my own method to protect myself and that resulted in my "restricted" relationship with people.
I figured if I keep a certain distance from the start until the end, I wouldn't get hurt, or at least the pain would be less.
My parents raised me to be an independent character; as my mom says sometimes, "a person who can survive even when he is thrown into a desert"...
Well, I'm not independent to that extreme, but... I guess you get what I'm trying to say.
I'm really shamed to admit and share this, but I was content in what I considered to be a pretty balanced life between academics, self-interested activities, and social aspects in my life during my high school.
I even thought I'm walking the path of righteousness with God at times.
What a fool...
I just read a post by my friend from college *cough Jennifer Chou cough*
and she was talking about how sometimes we are like a fish in a fishbowl.
Well, isn't that just me?
A fish swimming, being happy in his own little world of perfection...
Then God placed special people in my life in college.
They are all very unique in their own way and made all kinds of impacts on life, haha.
A lot of my friends from freshman year were homesick... and although I listened and talked to them,
I couldn't quite share the same feeling they were experiencing.
I like new things and college was definitely a new challenge. I was more excited than homesick.
I had been like this throughout my life I think.
I sort of lived a life without a permanent home, always out and about, looking for something new to spark my interest.
During that time, whenever I read the Bible, it would all seem like every verse is saying the same thing and I got bored very often.
The idea of prayer meeting and daily QT was new to me in my freshman year.
I liked to pray... more than reading?
It's later on that I learned I can't really pray without His words living in my heart.
One by one, piece by piece, God slowly removed the pieces in my "perfect" fishbowl,
and it was definitely a call for perseverance and humbling,
then I finally found my home in Him.
But the curse of our human memory is, no matter how much of a big lesson and impact God makes on our lives,
we are so forgetful.
I slowly forgot the lessons little by litte, and got distracted by the visible problems and issues in my life.
I prayed for wisdom and after praying, I realized I need to spend more time with God.
So I spent most of my time on my own in my fall semester of my sophomore year.
I needed God's wisdom, not people's advice; I needed God's guidance, not people's presence.
When He finally answered me and showed the place I need to be for the spring semester,
for about two or three days, I went really idle.
But He brought me back to Him and I've decided to spend my spring semester at home.
For the first month or so, it was ok.
God made it clear of the things and the works He wanted me to do at my church,
and the area of my life that I need to work on.
But as usual, I started slacking... then the season of Lent started.
During Lent, God brought me closer to my coworkers.
He allowed many opportunities for me to share my faith and get closer to my coworkers.
There were some times when they asked me a question about church, but every time He granted me wisdom to share.
Brought up in an asian family where respect is very important, I am rarely comfortable around adults.
All of my coworkers except one are much older than me, and I had hard time talking to them.
But through Lent, God gave me courage and opened my heart and theirs.
There's one lady who used to be in a motorcycle gang back in 70's and 80's.
She told me about her experience in riding a motorcycle and going around the US(from east to west) three times, meeting people, communicating with them, learning from them, and just her life-time experience from the trips.
She's a very amiable person and very honest.
She's not ashamed to share and admit the mistakes she's made in the past.
She's also very loving person; working in an oncological surgeon's office perhaps wasn't exactly the ideal job for her...
Not only her, but my coworkers are so generous. Not all of them are christians and that's why I felt stronger conviction to share my faith.
I don't really force the opportunity, but God has certain opened the ways for me to share.
He also revealed to me that loving people isn't just about caring for them.
How can I say I love them without praying for them?
Then He revealed to me how precious each and everyone of these people that He's placed in my life.
I've always thought since people come and go, I don't need to really become close to people...
In fact, a lot times it's more convenient that way, but that wasn't it at all.
It's true that people come and go; the only unchanging and everlasting relationship I could ever had is with God alone.
But because my time on earth is temporary and the time I have with these people God placed in my life is so limited,
I need to make more efforts and endure painful perseverance if I must to love these people that God placed in my life.
Despites my pleasant and unpleasant feelings for them, it doesn't change the fact that God has placed them and allowed them in my life for a reason,
and therefore these people are gifts from God.
Jesus Christ even took a human form and came down to earth to set us an example to follow.
He loved us. He loves us. His love endures forever.
If our perfect and highest Father paid so much price for our sins out of His amazing love for us,
how an a lowly creation like myself cannot humble myself to love and serve others?
I've been meditation on this throughout Lent, and many times my heart was unsettled and heavy with the weight of my sin...
then to think that even that weight of sin I feel was only limited by my imagination, it almost killed me inside.
Countless times I've nailed Him on that cross and then it really brought me to my knees.
I gave up few more things for Passion Week...
and surely enough, He opened my heart to confess my sins once again and called me into His presence once again.
and He reminded me 1 Thessalonians 3:12,
"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other for you."
I really like this verse... but God reminded me this verse once more, so that I can love more.
But formost, I must love God in order for His love to overflow from me.
Love Him, put Him as my first and highest... only then I can love the people and myself He loves so dearly.
Then on Easter night, I thought about it and prayed...
How can I say and thank God for His amazing love and act like I love Him,
when there is no love in my heart?
More than often times, it's easier to dislike people than to really love people.
Everyone's imperfect and everyone can't always fit my needs.
That's why I need His love in my heart, because without His love, I can't truly love them.
His love is too amazing and too big for my small heart to contain, so naturally it will overflow.
It's always my pride and selfishness that creates hate before the love.
Then in the middle of prayer, I couldn't go on anymore.
He reminded me of how many people and times I've hurted others and how neglectful I have been about my faults...
How can I pray, praise, and reiterate the passion of His love without action...
In midst of distress and when I started feeling overwhelmed again, He reminded me of the teaching from Good Friday service.
There was a Good Friday service at my church.
Since I'm a Sunday School teacher, I was with children and our youth pastor.
Our youth pastor came from Korea not too long ago, so I translated his message...
He said every week should be Easter.
It is through Christ's resurrection that we have hope of eternity and His love.
Even the world only celebrates Easter once a year,
our heart should always be reminded of the hopeful message from His resurrection every day, if not every week.
The scripture reading for Easter Sunday and the Passion Week devotional from ACF scripture were the same coincidentally.
It just showed how important His resurrection is.
I think until this year, Easter was just another occasion and mostly emotionally driven times.
God's teaching is always so humbling.
There are still so much more I need to work on to love my Father and His people.
God's been putting many people in my prayers. It's difficult at times.
But love would never be so difficult if I wouldn't let my pride and selfish desires in the way of His overflowing love.
This year's Lent was actually the first time I've actually given up something for Him,
and yes, I love my heavenly Father and thank Him for His love and His saving grace.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
My favorite version of "I am Free" by Newsboys. Narration in this version = LOVE and Passion
"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
Romans 6:14
I pray that we can all live in His love and hope from His resurrection every day.
Happy Easter, again! :]
Christ is risen and will always be!
