I Love You

First and foremost, Happy New Year!
The old has gone; the new has come.
God is the Alpha and the Omega, beginning and end; creating and renewing, constantly working His mighty hands for His glory.

On the night before New Year's Eve, I told my dad how just a year ago, I came home in all confused about what I would do for my sophomore spring semester and how all my family was weary with greencard petition status, financial difficulties, and other problems that's been constantly dragging us down for a very long time, possibly ever since our arrival in United States or perhaps even before that.
He laughed and smiled.
That doesn't mean we don't have the same problem now.
Well, one of the BIGGEST and the PRIMARY source of most of our problems, the greencard petition, has been approved and we FINALLY received our cards, making us permanent residents of US.
This takes care of a lot of things especially in finance.
For years, we've been paying so much to our immigration lawyer (whom we are very grateful for all his work and all, but SO EXPENSIVE) and to US immigration department (so much fee for visa extension and whatnot)....
We've been digging up the hole, but just solving one sandsack off our shoulders doesn't mean we feel lighter enough to climb out of the hole, but it does lighten off the weight on our shoulders and feel a nice breeze that we didn't notice before.
There are still lots of problems here and there that my family struggles even after we received our greencards,
but despite the struggles, we still have each other in a nice warm house and edible food to satisfy our hungry nature.
We still fight and hurt each other. We are not perfect and make mistakes.
I've said things that I should never say to my parents and my brother out of anger and whatever ugly things that my ugly heart wanted to say at the moment.
But few moments later, we still somehow come together as one unit, family, in love.

Love...
So often used, yet so often the hardest thing in life.
I think I've written few posts about my private/innate personality and the difficulties I have in expressing my feelings and thoughts.
Earlier this year, I think I wrote about how much I fall short in loving others.
I look back and there's not a doubt in my mind that I still fall so short in that area.
And my private/innate personality also doesn't help in my lack of expression of love.

I feel very awkward or find it unnecessary to say things that's similar to "I love you."
Is it just me? I wonder...
I can't remember the last time I said to my parents "I love you" out loud.
Even when I wrote cards and letters to them, I still find it somewhat awkward to say those three words that I probably say out loud almost every time I sing along Kpop.
-Actually now that I think about it, even in Korean, there are three syllabals (Sa-Rang-Hae).
Similar to my last post, I don't think I had this awkward feeling when I was young.
But somehow it feels awkward and unnecessary to say it to my parents now that I'm older.
When my parents say "I love you", I think I usually reply with "ok" or "me too" in a very indifferent monotone voice/attitude.
BUT I really love them. I really do. I really love my family even though there're times when I wish I had more "normal" family.

Growing up taught me that words are merely words until it becomes real.
I learn to put more values in actions rather than words of promises.
There aren't much I can do for my parents as a student right now, but I really wish to support my parents when I grow up.
The nursing home culture that US has always conflicts with my Korean culture in which almost everyone tend to take care of their elders until their time has come.

I've always put much more efforts in actions than words that at times I really don't find it necessary to express with words.
I'm also bad in expressing love in actions, but I'm so much worse in expressing love in words.

It hasn't been that long since I realized how powerful or powerless "I love you" can be in loving others.
It's also not just that specific "I love you"; there are so many other words of love.

My parents have never been vague in expressing how much they love me; their love for me is manifested in their wrinkles on forehead, scruffy hands, tiring and worrying voices in scolding, and their lives.
God has never been vague in expressing how much He loves us; it's EVERYWHERE.
With the Word and actions. All Around Us.

Thinking about countless occassions and words of love from my parents and from my heavenly Father not only amazes me and gives them thanks, but makes me want to love them even more and let them know how much I love them.

First and foremost, I love my heavenly Father for His Son, His boundless grace and sovereignty in my life... granting loving parents whom I also love.
I love my parents for their relentless sacrifices they make throughout their lives.
I love my little brother for being my brother and caring for me like an older brother.
I love my friends I made in University of Rochester for being my friends.
I love my sisters and brothers in Christ that I met through ACF in UofR for being the first community of faith and love that I've never had before.
I love my friends from home for still being my friends even though we don't talk or see each other as often as we used to during high school.
I love the people in my life who has been my mentors, teachers, and leaders.
I love everyone in my life even those whom I don't remember their presence in my life.
Thank you for making my 2011 memorable.

and it might take me a very long time for me to say it out loud, but I want to write it so that anyone who reads this will know:
I love you,
because He first loved you and me.


2012: Another year filled with His endless love for us.