Nostalgia. Confession. Surrender.

I just got back from a late-night chat "sesh" with my friends in Hillside.
The usual midnight chill sesh with my friends, enjoying our favorite Buffalo Chicken Panini at Hillside.
Tradition started since last year by last year's ACF freshmen.

I don't know how, but we started talking about our high school years.
and it brought back lots of memories.

I went to church. I was an active member of my youth group; always attended our weekly Bible Study meeting, helped my youth pastor organizing events, volunteered for events and activities...
I hate saying this kind of things about myself, but I think lots of people saw me as a very good christian girl...
The saddest part of this story is that I actually believed that lie.

I must confess:
I've never actually read the Bible until college.
I read the Genesis and Exodus, and did a chapter study and reflection on it as part of my youth group's Bible study...
I struggled so much when I read those first two books... Because I approached them like how I approached my English literatures and assignments.

I must confess:
I compromised my time with God; I set my week days as days for school work and other things that I was involved in, and set my weekend as days for church.
I was so confident that I'm doing the right thing; I was so convinced that my "balance" in life is "perfect".

I must confess:
A lot of times, I said I'm doing them for God, but I always had( and have and will have sadly) so many other self-driven motives and other sources of inspirations/motivations/drives.

I was a liar to myself and God; I was a fool, blinded by self-created lies and hopelessly lost in denial.

4 years. racing to the destination with a wrong purpose. living in dark pit of lies and denials. constantly justifying my existence with lies. giving no place for God to stand in my heart as I praise God and invite Him into my hearts with just words, without actions nor heart.
How easy it is to lie, to give false testimony, to let your lips say things that your heart doesn't say...

I was lost in the desert during my four years of high school.


But my heavenly Father knows the best of me and knew how to draw me near to Him.
He is the most patient, tender, quiet, faithful, and never-changing Father I know.
He waited for the right time. He called me.
and here I am in University of Rochester, almost ending the first semester of my sophomore year.
I've never thought I would've ever come to this school in high school.
Even in the beginning of my freshman year in college, I was still somewhat unsure and lost.
But now I know I am at a place with my best friend, best guide, and the best Father.

I'm happy to be here, to meet people that I know and call as friends, to learn, to read, and most importantly to persevere with my Father.
It's true that I still let Him down and that I sometimes don't put Him on the top of my list.
But it's also true that no matter how many times I fail and fall short, He still loves me and cares for me.
How can I not love my Father?

I thank my Father for another day.
I don't want to go back to my high school days.
I want to go forward, start anew every day with His daily bread for me.
His grace and mercy and love.

I want to be captivated. I want my heart to be captivated by His love.
I want my heart to be filled with desires to love my Father.
I want to surrender.


"He must become greater; I must become less."
John 3:30